This lent has been a difficult one. We’re only 9 days in and I feel like it’s been an eternity!! Not being on social media is lonely. I feel like I don’t have very many people to talk to, and the truth of the matter is, I don’t. How sad has life become when you base your friendship off of Facebook posts or random pictures being shared by strangers? Why is it even necessary to have social media any more? I understand the thought process of keeping up with people you used to know, but lets be honest, I wouldn’t say hello to you on the street, why would I want you to know about my life on social media. And then there’s the idea that not everything you read on social media is true, so this “happiness” you’re jealous of could be completely false.
I feel like for the past 9 days God has taught me that he is my protector. He’s been showing me that my life is all kinds of messed up and that I need him and him alone. He’s shown me that I really only have two real friends that I’ve gotten closer to because the only way we can communicate is through text. He’s shown me that I might feel alone, but I’m really not. The past couple of days my devotions have been ON POINT!! Yesterday’s verse hit me right where I needed to be hit.
Laminations 3:22-27: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are great every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
I’m really having a hard time on waiting on the Lord. I know that he has my life in his hands, but I don’t see it. I’ll be 30 at the end of June and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in my life. Additionally, I feel like I’m never going to get my dreams. I can’t be the only woman who wants, no longs, to be a wife and a mother. I can’t be the only one who feels that clock ticking down to doomsday. I feel like I have no time left. I know that I have to trust that God’s plan is bigger than mine, but when you look around you and almost everyone your age is in a committed relationship with plans for the future and/or married with kids, it’s so upsetting. I’ve cried every day these 9 days of Lent over the fact that I feel like I’ve failed at everything. I mean the only thing I’ve accomplished is being my District MVP… as a supervisor… at 29 years old… I’m not even in mid level management anymore. I work my butt off for this company and I’m almost 30 with not much to show for it. And it really stinks when I want to look for a new job but I have no skills for any of the jobs out there that would pay me what I’m worth. I’m complaining again.
God knows my pain. He sees my anguish. He knows what keeps me up at night. And he’s working on it, on my behalf. I have to trust that I’m not going to be in this place any longer, because that’s all I have to hold on to. I can’t focus on what I don’t have. I have to focus on what I do have, but the list keeps dwindling. I know he is sovereign and that he has a reason behind what I’m going through right now, I just don’t see it. I’m so stuck in this rut and I keep digging myself into a bigger hole.
How many time have you heard me cry out , God please take this. How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing. Oh I need you, God I need you now. (Need you now [How Many Times] by Plumb)
I’ve been listening to that song on repeat while writing this post and it’s hitting me in the face. I’m praying that God will show me how to be content in him and not with anything else. I’m praying that this season of loneliness is a short one. I’m praying that I can get my mind right and stop complaining. I’m praying for all of you, too.
May you be blessed!